thinking

so this is the 1st Christmas in 3 years that I'm not pregnant...!

sang breath of heaven for the 20th Christmas Eve service....

love the silence tonight...wrapping a few last gifts...adding bows ..
enjoying the solitude..thinking about how Mary felt once Joseph got her all settled in the warm stable...expectant....

tonight I feel expectant.

in a whole new way..

ready to walk in my new calling..expecting great things..

trying.

to soak it all in.. time is going by so fast... right now:

Ava & Jack are chatting and playing with new Christmas tool set...laying on their tummys..little PJ legs in the air..

the smell of coffee..eggs & toast...& sweet sleepy babies is in the air.

Dan is fresh from the shower and clicking on the computer..

Ella is snuggled up with me on the couch..holding my hand..I can't get enough of her sweet skin and little baby sounds...her eyes smiling at me..

o family grow slow.

snow?

today Ava & Jack spent quite some time running between all of the windows..looking for snow!

finally Ava patted Jack on the back and said sadly...

"its ok jackboy...snows taking a nap.."

eyes closed

Ava spent 1/2 an hour tonight pushing her baby carriage from the playroom...(where daddy was) to the bathroom ( where I was giving Jack a bath) opposite ends of house ....
with her eyes closed...
or mostly...closed...
and when she arrived at her intended destination....
she joyfully opened her eyes and exclaimed
" I made it!"

o lord. let me give you my sight and allow you to lead me..knowing ill be able to joyfully say..
" I made it!!"

makes

for a good morning..waking up to sweet snuggles.

on the way

silly

girl...

grow slow..

its the beautiful things....

...Jack running to get the spattula whenever he hears music so he can play his " guitar " like pop....

...Ava staring at the lit Christmas tree..whisering ..." o wow...o wow..."

sweet mama & baby dates a starbucks....Ava & Jack take 1 si of that ice cold water ..with a green straw and starting exclaiming .." o wow nummmm num yummy.." like its the best water ever.

Ella and daddy laughing.

goodnight kisses

good morning smiles.

the loud & joyful " amen!" after prayers.

everyday.

xoxo for sale

spent day running errands with my girls....unusual.

chatting it up with Ava...buy this..need to buy that...

as I buckled her into her seat I said
o Ava I need a kiss..she said..buy one mama.money?
then covered her lips with one hand and held out the other.

kisses for sale.

bathtime

sitting in the bathroom..snuggling Ella..watching my beautiful Jack with the long lashes slowly fill up each cup and carefully arrange them on the edge...I feel like he's growing..actually growing before my eyes...every now and then he makes a cooking sound.

sizzzle.

other than that its just baby coos and water splashing...companionable quiet. my big boy.

dirty looks

so I rarely go anywhere withe all 3 babies alone these days..call me a wimp.
anyway I felt brave the other day and ventured out to target..alone..with Ava, Jack & Ella....quickly got what I needed..( toilet paper...diapers..and chapstick)...the little's were so good so I decided to reward us ( myself) with a soy dcafe peppermint mocha...

with hot deliciousness in my hand..ice water for Ava & Jack...all was well.

then something happened.( I pushed a good thing)
Ava melted down...screaming no no no totally freaking..then Jack started..no mama no mama..and not to be outdone Ella harmonized with a shrill naaanaaanaa...

let the looks begin..Everyone was staring.....Looking....as I was overheating ..frantically trying to put coats back on and get Ella back in carseat ..
a women begins giving Ava - looks-...and I'm getting hotter..she walks over and says..
" you know..your daughter.."

I interrupt with a fast sharp.." is only 2 1/2 .. and on the autism spectrum. I'm doing the best I can..."

and she finishes saying..." drinking your coffee..."
"your 2 1/2 yr old is drinking your coffee.."

o.

glory

Dans dear friend & mentor...
Pete Vine went to be with Jesus this weekend ...
such a bittersweet time...
such a good man..

thank you Pete for believing in my husband..for showing him what a Godly man is..for being a incredible example...for being a Father to my sweet husband when his heart was so bruised..for teaching him the power of the words " I love you".

you will be missed...
rejoicing that you are in glory.
till we meet again..
xo

laying in bed this morning...4 am nursing Ella... savoring the warmth. her sweet smell....realize dans not in bed and calling my name...then I hear Ava's sweet voice.." Dada...Ava up..." and Jack chorusing in with a medley of dadas mamas pops gigiiiiis...and the day has begun!

our afternoon ...

1. put screaming kids in van. close door...pause before getting behind wheel
2. coffee drivethru. don't forget ice water for Ava...
3. go back thru drivetgru to get ice water. order an extra shot to dump n already purchased. pretend u didn't just go thru
3 make sound egfects to every animal Noah brought on the Ark
4.sing theme song to little Einstein ..Super Why and Curious George.
5. take a moment to decide if ur impressed or concerned that you know all the words
settle on impressed
6. realize its only been 19 minutes...
7.go visit daddy at work
make him come carside
enjoy the sweet laughter that seeing daddy brings...steal a quick kiss
8. turn up lullaby CD in effort to drown out cries at leaving daddy...pray it will lull babies to sleep.
9. fight temptation to get another coffee.
10. accept the fact that its 2 pm..the kids are not going to nap..its raining out and you can't drive around till 5:30 bathtime.
11.  French fries.
12. get home. big babies get fries. little baby gets mamas milk. mama gets 12 minutes of happy silence....

which brings us to now....still 2 1/2 hours till bathtime...and the tired babies all want to be held....the van is looking good again.
xo

i mean

reeaaalllllllllly..

my victory is too too sweet...

are you praying for me my lovely gentle warrior?

xo

Watch "We Are: Acoustic Version" on YouTube

days go by

..and my days become happier & crazier.

words fail

my heart feels So full tonight. like I can't find the words big enough...
to capture my love...
Dan...u are so strong..so gentle.
so wonderful.
Ava..today you are fighting a cold...your extra snuggles warmed me. you voice singing songs so sweetly was the perfect soundtrack.
Jack..your learning to climb! you sense of adventure challenges me..and your eyelashes are heartbreakingly long.
Ella...your beautiful dark baby blues...so observant...so lovely..

tonight our home seems to be bursting at the seams with
love.joy.wonder....

did I mention my sandman's tough guy lips? think ill go find a kiss...

today it snowed!  in October! Ava & Jack were at the window all morning ...eyes wide with wonder!
Jack in his sweet army PJ's...on his tiptoes.and Ava in pink elephants...
we lost power..no heat..but had a joyful day!! lots of reading books...snacks &  chocolate almond milk!

happy day!

kids were shouting out window to daddy and pop shoveling ..."no hat pop..no hat Dada! silly pop ..silly Dada..snow on head!"

things

this is my very brave sister betsie... we may not look alike but we always say we are twins...                        born 10 yrs apart...miss her.

my toughguy sandman creating chalk masterpieces with his little girl...

ava the artist

hula fun

sweetness....

wonderful

so. our life has certainly been crazy ...

but some things are  just wonderfully the same...

~the way ava snuggles up as close as she can while we read nighttime books

~jacks face when he explores...such wonder!!

~the sweet smell of fresh out of the bath babies &  the warm smell of the my sandman after working in the sun

o lovely

o love:
the way Ava randomly stops playing to shout out Jack. baby Elle ..just to make sure they are around..and ..how every night she says her prayers then says goodnight to the cheepcheeps..how excited she gets over freeze pops and how she never forgets if I say she can have one after dinner...her obvious joy over the smallest thngs( "o wow")  her sense of wonder...
Jacks tight arms around my neck after his nap. the way he says 'me to me to'..whenever he sees food.
how observant he is and the long  he spends exploring his toys before playing..his sweet voice saying amen after prayers..and the smacking sound of his kisses...
Ella's big stretches. and curled up body next to me.the way she fits just right on my shoulder or lying on daddy's chest...the almost smile I see right around the corner..

walk in the park (-ing lot)

went for a walk on this delicious autumn day...
ava & jack both jump at any chance to go "out" .. the run to the front door where the pile of shoes resides...(ugh)
ella was asleep in the sling and the (big) babies couldnt wait to "run..run..run..."

   o love.

psalm 16:6

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

surely I have a delightful inheritance.



some days just feel completely overwhelming.
some nights I just feel like crying.

but
neither height nor depth can keep me from Him...its His call on my life that I m clinging too.....

grace

"...if you never bless me once again..its enough Your grace has took my sin..and ill use my mouth and my life to tell the world...."

right now my world is small...babies...mommy & me group...friendly strangers at the store...

but o Lord!
help my countenance ...my small talk. my life reflect your Grace.

warrior calling

feeling challenged. stirred.

as i prayed goodnight prayers over my beautiful babies tonight and spoke the promises God gave me for them before they were born..I felt my heart stir.
and my God quickened my spirit ~
and challenged me to remember the promises spoken over me ...the calling on my own life..

to walk confident in my warrior calling.

I hear you Father. I'm listening.

in these moments...my heart grows stronger. my faith expands. my spirit soars. amazing love.

ava

dear bluebird,
my big girl..your legs are soooo long!
and your vocabulary is growing every day! I especially love the joy in your voice when you say " o wow" or ask me.." mama too?..jack too ? baby elle ..dada too..?"
or when u bring me a book and ask to read.
& watching you look out the window at the chipmunks...then run to find your shoes..
Ava. my miracle. l o v e.
xoxo
mama

ella

dear victory girl,
your 6 wks old.
tonight I rocked you to sleep..then I couldn't put you down...you smelled so sweet and felt so perfectly wonderful snuggled in my arms. so warm...just right...
your already changing and growing...my last baby. . . grow slow....
xoxo mama

jack

dear Jack,
I love how you fold your hands at bedtime and say amen.
I love how you hum along when I sing you a lullaby.
I love your little hands around my neck and the way you stick your tongue out after sweet kisses.
xoxo
mama

jeans are old friends?

you know how some jeans are old friends? been through ...life...with you?

you put them on and they feel soft and strong in all the right places.

 you pull them on and know no matter what else you wear..or what else the day brings for that matter..

...it'll work..cause you have your old friends on..

well my jeans are my friends no longer!!!!

3 babies in 3 yrs + pre pregnancy jeans = a (depressing) trip to the mall.

time to make new friends

my little Ella victory is 3 wks old! can't believe it...I'm such a tired mama...but so amazed by our new little one! can't imagine our life with her..how did we live???
my heart is so full..even with the sleepless nights and the crazy days filled with breakfast.  lunch.  dinner. snacks. seems these kids eat constantly...but also filled with kisses and sweet songs and joy and wonder...o love

love. sweet love.

ELLA VICTORY a birth story part 2

...noontime rolled around and my sandman arrived at the hospital.. we made our way to the birthing center and i felt strangely calm and peaceful... got settled in our room and laughed and joked around - all the while i was having contractions.. at 2 pm the doc came in and quickly broke my water... said i was 6 cm dilated and to get ready!!  i bounced on the birthing ball and made Dan tell me jokes..

 Papa bear arrived with Aunt Cathy and the Babies.. i was so happy to see them.. we hung out and ate lemon ice..Ava held my hand and we walked around till the room got incredibly hot and ( it was the one room in center without air!!!) the contractions started pushing me to a quiet inner place.. finally around 3:30pm i said goodbye to my sweet jack and Ava.. and things started getting serious....

 the contractions were now waves on top of waves and each one was bringing me deeper and deeper into myself.. i was leaning on one side of the bed and Dan was on the other holding my hand.. i looked at his baby blues and told him i thought i was transitioning and it was almost time.. he laughed and said.. you have a long way to go babe.. but i knew...

the nurse brought in 2 old office desktop oscillating fans.. click click click....with each wave i was getting hotter and hotter.. felt like the room was suffocating me.. at 4:30ish i was completely engulfed in wave after hot wave..needed the hospital gown off...felt strangely hungry- told Dan and he laughed... 

 couldn't believe the deep peace i felt through it all.. was so relieved that our wonderful nurse didn't talk alot..:) or push any pain management.. just left me to work though everything with Dan ...the doc came in..

at this point i was barely hanging on.. needed to push - needed to see my little girl... 10 cm.. doc said whenever your ready...

holding Dans hand and waiting for the next wave to cover me i pushed  curling into myself and just grabbing onto the peace inside..the song in my heart was "all to you i surrender...everything every part of me..."

felt so incredibly strong and connected to my sandman and our new little girl...4:55pm... could hear Dan telling me she had so much hair.. one more push babe.. shes almost here.. shes beautiful.. and i felt her head.. her little ears.. and then time stood still.. all the gloriously painful waves pushing my body to birth this baby stopped and i was pushing on my own.. in slow motion i saw 8 or 9 nurses run into the room.. they lowered my bed and made me lay down.. my back was screaming and i just wanted her out.... little girl was stuck.. head out for 2 minutes.. doc and nurses manipulated my hips and pelvic bones to release her shoulder ( breaking her little collar bone and dislocating her shoulder/ stretching the nerves  in the process)

later Dan would tell me her thought our little one was gone - the doctor looked so serious and he was thinking how can i tell Stacie the baby's gone...

Faithfulness...

one more push ...i asked Dan to pray - he said he was... i told him to pray louder....

my husband prayed loudly to our faithful God to be with us one more time.. to watch over mama & baby one more time.. "o God you brought us this far...please.." and

 ELLA VICTORY JOHNSON

arrived....10 lbs 1 ox..21 1/2 inches long..

quiet and peaceful.. instantly nursing and content... so beautiful.

my heart just overflowed with joy and trust and thankfulness..

what a journey we had been on together.. me and my little firefly.. my gift of peace...my victory girl....

(had trouble birthing the placenta.. had an inverted uterus.. was hemorrhaging.. all a painful blur and not important because i knew know my Gods promises are true.)

Ella Victory ...a birth story part one

August 26th started like any other......too early!! Ava & Jack woke up starving as usual! Dan & I rushed around getting kids fed & dressed & ready to leave for my 8 am doctors apt...I couldn't find anything to wear..such a huge babybelly!
couldn't find my water bottle...
became obsessed with finding it and bringing my phone charger with me...barely made it out the door..sang By the sea...200 times on the way..even put lipstick on to distract people away from my tooo short shirt...Dan dropped me off..and took kids home knowing it would be a long morning- planning on picking me up ...after..ultrasound..non stress test..doc visit..just standard stuff  because I was " overdue".... nst went great...got 3 compliments on my shirt..
went to ultrasound ..was told my little bellybaby was around 7 1/2 lbs!

waited for doc forever...good thing I had my water and phone charger..plugged my dying phone in and facebooked......doc came in and said.." how'd you like to meet your baby today?" the ultrasound showed pressure on my little ones head due to being soooo low for so long...doc didnt think waiting would be wise to wait so! we decided to break my water at noon....I left office in a daze and called Dan...decided I would wait at birthing center for him to feed kids then meet me here to have a baby....!

went and had lunch in the cafe then sat in hallway making phone calls with my phone plugged in.. called GiGi in Arizona ( mom had left the night before to attend Gram Luisas memorial service.. cant believe after all this time the little was going to arrive today!!-Gods ways...) and Papa Bear giving him last minute info re kids...He and Aunt Cathy were in charge at home!

starting having contractions all on my own.. was missing my mom and anxious for dan to meet me...

Hurricane Irene was rolling in and I took one last belly picture in the bathroom....

to be continued...

dear babies

dear Ella Victory,
you are 1 week old.
tonight I swaddled you tight and nursed you till your beautiful eyes closed...then I snuggled you against my shoulder..your sweet cheek against mine...and my heart flooded.
what a gift you are..my gift of peace..God is so faithful...He gave me you!
my sweet, strong Ella Victory what a journey we've had together ..you & I..and its only the beginning! I love you.

dear Ava West,
you are 2 yrs & 2 months old.
tonight we read so many goodnight books together...after each book your little arm would sneak around neck and squeeze..like our own secret. my miracle baby..such a big girl..I loved reading with you tonight but I especially loved your squeezes and your sweet smell and your tight goodnight hug and kiss...& I love that when you walk with daddy to go upstairs to bed you always stop at door to send me one last kiss. my bluebird. my gift. i love you!

dear Jack Sullivan,
o my beautiful boy. you are 1 yr & 1 month old.
tonight we played peekaboo 100 times. we read books. and we laughed together..I can't get the sound of your joyful laugh out of my head or my heart. my gift of joy.
I sang you a lullaby tonight..then you sang me one. such sweet love. I didn't want to lay you down ..your growing so fast...my little bear cub so curious and so cuddly. 
I. love you.

dear babies,
love doesn't begin to cover how I feel...my beautiful precious gifts from my heavenly father which heard my heart ...I love you. I love you. I love you.
xoxo,
mama

intimately involved

one of the things that I have been thinking about is the  fabulous truth that

 God is the ultimate creator..my creator!... we are God's story,  His art. and while i am  struggling with not knowing the future..not seeing the finished product.. God, as an artist, allows this! this tension & stress & shading into my life, because He sees the whole work. His plan has purpose ... and all the "trials"  Im fighting against are part of this beautiful masterpiece of my life, part of this story that He is weaving...a work of art would be flat & dull.. without life.... if i as an artist removed all the contours & shading, all the depth ...the things that we associate with stress and hardship, and i would be left with nothing but a boring..or worse.. blank canvas.. but OH so hard to trust the artist... even  knowing He is the ultimate Artist.. creator of all.. im a stubborn fool and try to grab the paintbrush..

who am i ? thinking i could create something better than the Master of Design.

seriously.......

last nov/dec found me struggling with the decision to be done with babies and claim our family complete.....felt the Lord impress on me to trust  my husband.. and to trust in Him.. so i did ( begrudgingly) and once i did i had peace- ( even though i felt strongly that another baby was in our future..)...then jan 2011.. PREGNANT!! and my heart overflowed with thankfulness and joy and peace abundant ..happy that i was able to trust the man God gave me as my husband and have faith that even though i felt like we had oonnee more little one in our future.. His plan was perfect.. The Lord heard my heart and saw my internal struggle.. and ultimately my obedience (even though .... soo HARD!!!) and blessed my womb with new life once again.... weeks of seeking His face and comfort followed the positive pregnancy test.. lots of bleeding..cramping..scares.. and heart anguish... fast forward to 26 weeks along.. such peace in my heart.. a baby girl was growing healthy and happy inside! then.. preterm labor... shortened cervix.. contractions.. 11 day hospital stay... 11 weeks of strict bedrest.... a dire prognosis of a an extremely preterm baby from the doctor.. but once again.. the God who knows me inside and out.. the perfect artist had a different plan.. and here i am... 40 weeks pregnant with our 3 child..

( a miracle in its self to even be able to get pregnant!!)

who am i to try & paint my own life.. or my childrens future..

Lord! bind my hands! open my heart & my spirit to bask in your perfect design!

Thank you Lord for being intimately involved in my life, and reminding me that YOU are writing the book of my life, creating the painting of my family with love, delicate care &  beautiful plans.

well. 39 weeks pregnant!!!!

what is going on!!!!!

I'm officially ready to have this baby....

ready to start our next chapter....

we definitely watch to much "baby story".. every time i take a deep breath Ava runs over to me yelling...

"baby come????!!!""

she instructs the belly as to where the "door" for the baby is..and rubs & rubs the belly trying to get her to come "out for a walk"....

 

 

Faith is risking what is

for what is yet to be.

It is taking small steps

knowing they lead to bigger ones.

Faith is holding on when you want to let go.

It is letting go when you want to hold on.

Faith is hearing God’s yes

when everything else says no.

It is believing all things are possible

in the midst of impossibilities.

Faith is looking beyond what is

for what is yet to be.

It is seeing the Light in darkness,

the presence of God in all.

~ Ellen M. Cuomo © 1997©2007©2011


thirty eight weeks and three days pregnant...

totally full term.

just about  5 cm dilated. 100% effaced.

baby locked & loaded.

mama sleepy and ready to go.

feeling so tired and emotionally drained this morning.

starting to freak out about the idea of 3 little ones under 2 years old!

but my sandman reminded me...to  count all of this JOY...

so today i will..

count it joy when i tell ava for the one hundreth time to be gentle with jack..

and i will count it joy as i stumble over another piece of mr potato heads face..

and as jacks sweet face looks up at me in a fresh smile (while dumping out his snack) i will count it joy...when ava slips her slightly sticky chubby baby soft hand in mine  i will count it joy...
while listening to ava and jack sweetly sing a version of jesus loves me..abc's..twinkle twinkle little star.. i will smilt with joy....and after lots of hugs and kisses...and after  naptime  has begun....after i peek in at my babies lovely faces and finally sit down to feel kicks and rolls and bumps from the bellybabydoll..
i will sigh and count it all , every bit of it...JOY.

ava & jack...sweet love

ava is just in love with the babybelly..she rubbs it and kisses her "bebee"

she pretends to change the bellys diapers and never forgets to feed the belly baby..through my belly button of course! she loves to say "wow" over anything that strikes her fancy..especially bellybaby movement....

nothing is quite as sweet as avas little hands snuggling the belly as she sings her baby a song...
lets hope the love lasts once the little arrives!

jack is 13 months old now and so curious! he has a quick smile that just melts your heart and the longest eyelashes.... the other day he spent twentyu minutes slowly and watchfully following an ant ( yes we have to ocasional ant...) as it traveled from our kitchen all the way through the living room...once the little ant disappeared into a crack.. jack looked up at me and clapped and exclaimed!!
such a precious boy.

we have a huge and beautiful garden in our back yard.. zuccini and corn and tomatos..basil - mint thyme and rosmary! yellow squash ..eggplant ..cabbage.. a goldmine!!!
ava and jack love to visit the garden with papa bear or daddy...
and i love when the come back smelling of sunshine, dirt and love.

last night my beautiful fiesty grama Luisa Petti Quinn went to be with Jesus. she was 96 yrs old...my heart is happy knowing she is rejoicing with her saviour but my heart is also abit flip floppy this morning as im laying in bed...9 months pregnant ..ready to give birth any day....whn i think about my gram, the first memory that pops in my head is from  when i was maybe 9? and grama luisa took me to get our nails done..my first time!! so exciting..then we walked around rye,ny letting them dry before getting lunch in a fancy chinese resturant....i remeber the tablecloths looked so clean and white and our food came in silver platters with tops! grama told me stories about "real chinese "food that she used to get in the city....such an exciting day. such a wonderful memory. love you grams.

37 weeks. cant believe it . this bellybabydoll is considered fullterm!!!!

after all these weeks of painfully long days and the trial and error of different meds.. and an 11 day hospital stay..bedrest...FULLTERM!!

rejoicing.

only by the prayers of our faith friends and family...only by Gods grace and perfect design....we are so incredibly thankful that the Lord heard....this babys conception ...life in the womb...stopping of preterm labor...and due to the outpouring of prayers on our behalf...humbled.

but having no significant contractions to speak of...... figures...so lets change those beautiful wonderful prayers from praying for a long pregnancy to praying for a quick healthy natural birth!!!

took a walk today..my first official step off 10 weeks of bedrest....the sun was hot and the air was thick..my muscles are sore and my breaths were quick...

and my heart was full because my God hears my heart and knows my name and answers prayers....

its august. im almost 37 beautiful wks pregnant..and im ready to have this baby. tonight. 

36 and a half weeks pregnant.

3 cm dilated.

90% effaced.

baby at 0 station (head is even with pelvic bone).

doctor predicts a monday baby.

sigh.

blessed. thankful. 

holding to the beautiful promises of my wonderful maker



i believe

36 beautiful heavy hot tired wonderful weeks pregnant!
so relieved so amazed in awe of our awesome God...
humbled to be carrying a new life...a gift from my creator...humbled to know He hears my heart.
miracles do happen.
trusting still for a healthy strong babygirl...Gods promises!
"a warrior of peace"

dear bluebird,

this morning is warm and hazy..we are snuggling as you drink your morningmilk...

your 2 yr old legs seem so long to me this morning! so creamy and white and spri kled with a few freckles..you little toenails painted red...your little girl nightgown is a bit big and hanging off one shoulder ..o ava your pudgy arms are wrapped around my neck and your soft silky golden curls smell so sweet pressed against my cheek. your lashes are so dark against your cheek and your eyes so blue as you look into mine..silently asking me to sing again. every now and then you snuggle evn closer, throwing those long legs over me..and as i lay here..with my big little girl andmy little bellybabydoll inside me..i wish time could just slooow down..just a bit...i love you my sweet girl. 

so...4 days off th procardia has produced a ton of painful semi regular but not increasing contractions....1 more progesterone shot on tuesday then...letting nature take over!

feeling sooo weak and tired from the weeks of bedrest and the constant contractions...but my heart is happy to still be pregnant! am getting excited...thinking about a possible fullterm baby!

dan and the little ones are outside in splashing in the pool...im hearing happy happy sounds!

cant believe our little family will be complete soon!

totally rambling today. still praying and searching for the perfect name for this little bundle of joy!

cant b elieve its been 8 weeks since i was hospitalized for preterm labor!

when dan and i heard the doc say bedrest for at least  6 weeks we couldnt even fathom how that would be doable...and look! 

8 weeks have come and gone...some days easier than others but we survived!

my sandman has been amazing...from turning into super superdad...to   serving me meals in bed...always remembering what i like.

and my parents are here everyday taking care of us!! 

especially my sweet wonderful strong momma! her patience and strength amaze me...hoping that one day  ill be even close to the genourous thoughtful relentlessly strong and sweet mom that she is to me...

well....here we are...july 20th...35 weeks pregnant!!!! my heart is so thankful to still be growing  this little  belly baby inside me!

and to be celebrating my beautiful boy....

Happy Birthday Jack Sullivan Johnson!

You are 1!

my sweet boy! i cant b elieve its been a year since my water broke in the car on the way home from target...1 yr since your natural painful exhilerating wonderful birth!
a yr since the 8 weeks you spent in the nicu...at childrens in bosoton and in newburyport....
1 yr since you captured my heart my  little bear cub..my explorer...my sweet defender of the faith.
i love you!

1 week

1 week...1 week! till 35 weeks pregnant....

had a doctors appt. today....ultrasound showed bellybaby doll weighing in at 5 lbs 1 oz!!! i feel relieved- she is a good size!! my cervix is barely there...but!! still barely there.. not gone!!!!

funneling has stopped and my doc thinks based on the fact that it seems the contractions are changing anything..i can make it 2 more weeks!!!

i feel so thankful and blessed. maybe we ll have a full term baby after all!!!

now if only we can decide on a name!!!!

single digits.

i cant believe we are in the single digits for this waiting game!!!

bellybaby doll is growing and moving and still in!

in 9 days i will be 35 weeks pregnant.. the most pregnant ill have ever been!!!

in 9 days i will breathe a huge sigh of relief..

and will still hope and pray for as many days as possible of belly growing for this little girl!!

in 9 days i will stretch my legs and lift my arms to the sun and laugh and praise the faithfulness of my beautiful wonderful saviour...my God who knows my name!!!

and my sweet unborn girls name..even if we dont yet...:)))))

Psalm 139

1-6 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.

I'm an open book to you;

even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.

You know when I leave and when I get back;

I'm never out of your sight.

You know everything I'm going to say

before I start the first sentence.

I look behind me and you're there,

then up ahead and you're there, too—

your reassuring presence, coming and going.

This is too much, too wonderful—

I can't take it all in!

7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?

to be out of your sight?

If I climb to the sky, you're there!

If I go underground, you're there!

If I flew on morning's wings

to the far western horizon,

You'd find me in a minute—

you're already there waiting!

Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!

At night I'm immersed in the light!"

It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;

night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.

13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

you formed me in my mother's womb.

I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

I worship in adoration—what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

before I'd even lived one day.

17-22 Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!

God, I'll never comprehend them!

I couldn't even begin to count them—

any more than I could count the sand of the sea.

Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you

so faithful. so thankful.

blessed beyond measure.

 overwhelmed with the Goodness and Grace of my God.

 He is for me. sigh.

15

short wonderful days til 35 weeks.

so really.  so blessed.

my sandman makes me breakfast and coffee every morning..in the middle if getting all 3 kids breakfast and cleaned up..then hes off to work ..most days with out eating anything  himself.

he rushes home from busy days at work just in time to pop babies in the tub ...sing some songs..jammies on then ..off to bed ...and once again is feeding me...

its the little things you know... last night  our bedroom was so hot and i was contracting and miserable and he brought me some freeze poops and a cool cloth  for my face... my tough guy sandman.. wiping my brow...:)

and my favorite thing is no matter how much rushing around hes doing..

he always slows down for a kiss goodbye...and snuggles the kids before leaving...

its the little beautiful things.

nostalgic.

so far in my life ive been pregnant for 234ish days...ava west ....

245ish days... jack sullivan...

& 224 days...and counting!

knowing this is our last baby - the final piece to the puzzle of our family makes me happy...excited about the Lords plan for us....the possibilities in our beautiful future....

but knowing that this is my last pregnancy...

the last time ill feel the secret thrill of carrying a new life before any one else knows...

the last time in my life ill feel my body grow and change to accomadate a beating heart..

the last time  to feel the joy of the first movements- 

 and the glorious sound of thump thump thump thump...

i love being pregnant ..( even with this last pregnancys complications..)

i love my  curvy belly and i relish the cravings for silly foods and the tiredness and all that goes along with it.. its such a miracle and im going to miss it...

but o to see our little ones face and smell her sweet smell!

nostalgic. excited.

25

25 days left till this beautiful bellybaby doll can arrive

( @ 35 weeks....safely-ish...at the birthing center ..not a big scary boston hospital..)

Main Site

31 weeks pregnant.

bellybabydoll weighs 3 lbs 13 oz.

growing good!

                               Ava West is 2 years old!!!! cant believe it...my sweet little miracle!!!!

time

time.does not fly when your waiting.

BUT

today im thankful for

 body pillows

& my sandman sleeping next to me at night

& watching ava run run run back and forth across the living room till i say wow! veerrryy fasttt

& jacks sweet snuggles...warm litttle body

& bellybaby dolls rolling movments

 & my curvy pregnant belly

& grilled cheese

& big living room windows with the sunshining in

& papa bear and mommy

& peace in my house

& lots of hugs and kisses.

and time. because it does tick by.

30

so exciting. 30 left till 35 weeks pregnant!!

these days are going by a bit faster now...ive gotten into the routine of just ...laying...not easy!!!!

excited about the future of my little family.

thankful for my wonderful papa

and my sweet amazing husband.

spent this fathers day just so thankful.

peace in our house this morning.

love after bath before bed time with jack...reading books snuggling....

And then I say a little prayer,

for sweet dreams, and a courageus future for my little man.

I say Amen & roll over so his chubby cheek is pressed against mine

and inhale deeply.

I love the way he smells.

like a baby.

like possibility.

like hope.

like my son.

jack! your gowng so fast! almost a year old!!!

I smile and give him  kisses all over his face.

Then I pull his body in closer

wrap my arms around him,

and thank God for these moments.

pregnancy update

sooo......just for the sake of ...

baby #3

positive test dec 10th 9 ( days after d's ."procedure")

week 7,8,9,10...bleeding. stress. trust

week 12 diagnosed with placenta previa

week 20 its a girl! all is well with baby! cervix only 2.8

week 22  cervix 2.3

week 24 cervix 1.7...major funneling

week 26 contractions. cervix soft open funneling dilated 1cm

hospitalized. contractions. low blood pressure.

bedrest

week 29. still here. on procaradia 10 mg every 6 hours. contractions. at home

trusting.hopeful. 38 days.

hopeful.

im t r y i n g.



avallla

sooo.. enough of my complaining..........( 41 more days in case you forgot...)

in other news.....

my little bluebird is almost 2!! i cant believe it..seems like just yesterday i was laughing as she entered the world... everynight before bed i tell her a little story and end it with.. Jesus wanted mama to know that He heard her prayers and He loves her very much so Jesus  decieded to send her a miracle.. a little bluebird named ava!!!...

ava loves it & i love to remind her that our God does hear us! and she is my tangible miracle!!!

avas favorite things:

doing everything herself

peaches

kissing everyone  and everything she loves

going for walks..looking for birds (cheeep cheeps) ..and chasing ants

rubbing the babybelly

dada and papa ( lots of love for gigi -britney and mama too)

teaching jack to walk........

and calling auntie val or uncle do (la) on the phone



sigh

so today marks 29 weeks of being pregnant!! great big milestone!!! bellybaby is growing!

today marks 2 weeks since going to the doc for a routine chck and being hospitalized....

(& 5 days since being sent home!!)

sigh. today  means the end of the 2 week safe window since the last negative ffn test

 (which if negative gives u a 99 % chance of NOT going into preterm labor for the next 2 week..).

nervous. that 99% gave me peace of mind. 

and today is a day im trying desperately to hold on to the sweet promises of God..

and remember the miracle that this little life inside me is..

trying desperately to trust God in me because i feel alone...trying to trust all will be well....

trusting the Giver of Perfect Peace.

42 more days. seems like a lifetime.

Psalm 55:22

22Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you... He will never allow the [consistently] righteous to be moved (made to slip, fall, or fail).

over the rainbow

trusting today. counting my beautiful blessings.

 the bellybabydoll has been moving and bouncing around. makes me smile....

feeling like 43days is a looonnggg time this morning.....the minutes seem to tick by very slowly..

thrilled to be home with my family. the kids new favorite game is running (crawling)  the length of the living room...toys on one end...mama in bed on the other end!!

sweet smiles are priceless!

my sandman is a champ and taking good care of me...

not to mention my gem of a mother who is sacrificing her life these days to be with us!!!

loved. xoxo

45

45 Days till 35weeks..

 im safe at home in my cozy nest...

sharing my time between my quiet bedroom

and the lovely bed the sandman made me in the living room so i can be part of family life!

ava and jack are growing!! and im so happy to be here to watch` it....

the toughest thing though is not rshing to scoop up a crying baby.....or trying to reason with  almost 2yr old ava...about why i cant get up and "ring around the posie...'

but

45 days to enjoy my little family from a bed...45 days to pray over my bellybabydoll...and help her grow...

45 days ...trusting. believing. knowing God sees  me..hearing my heartbeats...

holla

 in a few hours i will be settled into my own little bed.....

 in my own little house...... with my handsome guy and my sweet sweet babies.

holllllaaaaaaaaa!