jeans are old friends?

you know how some jeans are old friends? been through ...life...with you?

you put them on and they feel soft and strong in all the right places.

 you pull them on and know no matter what else you wear..or what else the day brings for that matter..

...it'll work..cause you have your old friends on..

well my jeans are my friends no longer!!!!

3 babies in 3 yrs + pre pregnancy jeans = a (depressing) trip to the mall.

time to make new friends

my little Ella victory is 3 wks old! can't believe it...I'm such a tired mama...but so amazed by our new little one! can't imagine our life with her..how did we live???
my heart is so full..even with the sleepless nights and the crazy days filled with breakfast.  lunch.  dinner. snacks. seems these kids eat constantly...but also filled with kisses and sweet songs and joy and wonder...o love

love. sweet love.

ELLA VICTORY a birth story part 2

...noontime rolled around and my sandman arrived at the hospital.. we made our way to the birthing center and i felt strangely calm and peaceful... got settled in our room and laughed and joked around - all the while i was having contractions.. at 2 pm the doc came in and quickly broke my water... said i was 6 cm dilated and to get ready!!  i bounced on the birthing ball and made Dan tell me jokes..

 Papa bear arrived with Aunt Cathy and the Babies.. i was so happy to see them.. we hung out and ate lemon ice..Ava held my hand and we walked around till the room got incredibly hot and ( it was the one room in center without air!!!) the contractions started pushing me to a quiet inner place.. finally around 3:30pm i said goodbye to my sweet jack and Ava.. and things started getting serious....

 the contractions were now waves on top of waves and each one was bringing me deeper and deeper into myself.. i was leaning on one side of the bed and Dan was on the other holding my hand.. i looked at his baby blues and told him i thought i was transitioning and it was almost time.. he laughed and said.. you have a long way to go babe.. but i knew...

the nurse brought in 2 old office desktop oscillating fans.. click click click....with each wave i was getting hotter and hotter.. felt like the room was suffocating me.. at 4:30ish i was completely engulfed in wave after hot wave..needed the hospital gown off...felt strangely hungry- told Dan and he laughed... 

 couldn't believe the deep peace i felt through it all.. was so relieved that our wonderful nurse didn't talk alot..:) or push any pain management.. just left me to work though everything with Dan ...the doc came in..

at this point i was barely hanging on.. needed to push - needed to see my little girl... 10 cm.. doc said whenever your ready...

holding Dans hand and waiting for the next wave to cover me i pushed  curling into myself and just grabbing onto the peace inside..the song in my heart was "all to you i surrender...everything every part of me..."

felt so incredibly strong and connected to my sandman and our new little girl...4:55pm... could hear Dan telling me she had so much hair.. one more push babe.. shes almost here.. shes beautiful.. and i felt her head.. her little ears.. and then time stood still.. all the gloriously painful waves pushing my body to birth this baby stopped and i was pushing on my own.. in slow motion i saw 8 or 9 nurses run into the room.. they lowered my bed and made me lay down.. my back was screaming and i just wanted her out.... little girl was stuck.. head out for 2 minutes.. doc and nurses manipulated my hips and pelvic bones to release her shoulder ( breaking her little collar bone and dislocating her shoulder/ stretching the nerves  in the process)

later Dan would tell me her thought our little one was gone - the doctor looked so serious and he was thinking how can i tell Stacie the baby's gone...

Faithfulness...

one more push ...i asked Dan to pray - he said he was... i told him to pray louder....

my husband prayed loudly to our faithful God to be with us one more time.. to watch over mama & baby one more time.. "o God you brought us this far...please.." and

 ELLA VICTORY JOHNSON

arrived....10 lbs 1 ox..21 1/2 inches long..

quiet and peaceful.. instantly nursing and content... so beautiful.

my heart just overflowed with joy and trust and thankfulness..

what a journey we had been on together.. me and my little firefly.. my gift of peace...my victory girl....

(had trouble birthing the placenta.. had an inverted uterus.. was hemorrhaging.. all a painful blur and not important because i knew know my Gods promises are true.)

Ella Victory ...a birth story part one

August 26th started like any other......too early!! Ava & Jack woke up starving as usual! Dan & I rushed around getting kids fed & dressed & ready to leave for my 8 am doctors apt...I couldn't find anything to wear..such a huge babybelly!
couldn't find my water bottle...
became obsessed with finding it and bringing my phone charger with me...barely made it out the door..sang By the sea...200 times on the way..even put lipstick on to distract people away from my tooo short shirt...Dan dropped me off..and took kids home knowing it would be a long morning- planning on picking me up ...after..ultrasound..non stress test..doc visit..just standard stuff  because I was " overdue".... nst went great...got 3 compliments on my shirt..
went to ultrasound ..was told my little bellybaby was around 7 1/2 lbs!

waited for doc forever...good thing I had my water and phone charger..plugged my dying phone in and facebooked......doc came in and said.." how'd you like to meet your baby today?" the ultrasound showed pressure on my little ones head due to being soooo low for so long...doc didnt think waiting would be wise to wait so! we decided to break my water at noon....I left office in a daze and called Dan...decided I would wait at birthing center for him to feed kids then meet me here to have a baby....!

went and had lunch in the cafe then sat in hallway making phone calls with my phone plugged in.. called GiGi in Arizona ( mom had left the night before to attend Gram Luisas memorial service.. cant believe after all this time the little was going to arrive today!!-Gods ways...) and Papa Bear giving him last minute info re kids...He and Aunt Cathy were in charge at home!

starting having contractions all on my own.. was missing my mom and anxious for dan to meet me...

Hurricane Irene was rolling in and I took one last belly picture in the bathroom....

to be continued...

dear babies

dear Ella Victory,
you are 1 week old.
tonight I swaddled you tight and nursed you till your beautiful eyes closed...then I snuggled you against my shoulder..your sweet cheek against mine...and my heart flooded.
what a gift you are..my gift of peace..God is so faithful...He gave me you!
my sweet, strong Ella Victory what a journey we've had together ..you & I..and its only the beginning! I love you.

dear Ava West,
you are 2 yrs & 2 months old.
tonight we read so many goodnight books together...after each book your little arm would sneak around neck and squeeze..like our own secret. my miracle baby..such a big girl..I loved reading with you tonight but I especially loved your squeezes and your sweet smell and your tight goodnight hug and kiss...& I love that when you walk with daddy to go upstairs to bed you always stop at door to send me one last kiss. my bluebird. my gift. i love you!

dear Jack Sullivan,
o my beautiful boy. you are 1 yr & 1 month old.
tonight we played peekaboo 100 times. we read books. and we laughed together..I can't get the sound of your joyful laugh out of my head or my heart. my gift of joy.
I sang you a lullaby tonight..then you sang me one. such sweet love. I didn't want to lay you down ..your growing so fast...my little bear cub so curious and so cuddly. 
I. love you.

dear babies,
love doesn't begin to cover how I feel...my beautiful precious gifts from my heavenly father which heard my heart ...I love you. I love you. I love you.
xoxo,
mama